Being a mom to a toddler under the age of two is one of the most beautiful experiences in the world, but it’s also one of the hardest. There are days filled with laughter, cuddles, and those sweet little moments that melt your heart… and then there are nights where sleep barely exists, and exhaustion feels like a second skin.

Lately, my little one hasn’t been sleeping like she normally should, or at least what I thought normal looked like.
It’s unpredictable, it’s draining, and honestly, it makes planning or sticking to a streaming schedule almost impossible. Some days I sit there, ready to go live, only to have my plans change in an instant because my little one needs me. Waking up, feeling restless, and refusing to sleep, I would drive endlessly, up and down, hoping the movement of the car would bring peaceful sleep.

And when that happens, I can’t help but feel disappointed, not just in the situation, but in myself. I start thinking about the promises I made to my community, the streams I said I’d do, the goals I wanted to reach, and worse, when we do reach them…
When I can’t make them happen, it hurts. It feels like I’m letting people down, you, my amazing community, who have always believed in me. Who supported me not only by being there but by actively helping me with my goals.

There’s also something I don’t often talk about — how hard it can be to express what I’m really feeling. I tend to hold a lot in, trying to stay strong and positive, but deep down I feel like I’m crumbling some days. Losing my job has been another heavy weight to carry. It’s left me feeling lost, anxious, and constantly worrying about whether I’m doing enough for my family.

And then there’s my husband — the most supportive person I could ever ask for. He’s been working so hard, carrying so much, while still encouraging me to chase this dream. He believes in me even when I struggle to believe in myself. And that makes it even harder sometimes, because I can’t shake the feeling that I’m letting him down, too.

As a first-time mom, that guilt runs deep. Even though my family supports me fully, there are moments where it feels like I’m failing them — like I should be doing more, providing more, being more. It’s an emotional tug-of-war between wanting to be the best mom possible and wanting to build something meaningful through streaming,  something that could make them proud and help our little family grow.

Lately, I’ve also been giving a lot of thought to my journey as a streamer, where I started, where I am now, and where I truly want to go. I’ve decided that from June to December, I’m going to take an honest look back at everything.
I want to see how far I’ve come over the past 6 months, what I’ve learned, and whether this dream is still worth pushing forward… or if it might be time to let it go and move on to something new. It is not that I am scared or ungrateful, but merely that my family might be better off with me working an 8 – 5 job again. Weighing all the options, you know.

It’s not an easy thought, but I want to be realistic and honest with myself and my family. Streaming and writing are things I love deeply, but it’s also something I need to know is growing and worth the time, the energy, the very long nights, and the frustration I sometimes feel… You know?

That being said, I want everyone to know that the support you’ve given me never goes unnoticed or unappreciated. Every single bit of it goes back into making my streams better, from upgrading equipment, paying for internet bills, and working toward new overlays, to hopefully one day being able to create a more mature, grown-up version of my vtuber model that reflects how much I’ve grown as both a mom and creator.

Your support helps me improve, little by little. It’s what keeps the dream alive, even when things get tough.